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Jul. 30th, 2011 08:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
unikorentoYeah. Sort of embarrassed about this. Thought about maybe just not posting it, but hey. My journal, right? I can throw a childish fit if I want to. Just... approach with caution.
Like a real, proper, I'm-channeling-my-inner-teenager kind of bad mood.
I'm really, very much not the shouting and slamming doors kind of person. I'm a loud person, granted, but when I'm angry I get quiet. If my pride would allow me to admit it, I'd say that I'm much more prone to sulking than I am to exploding at people.
Today, though, today it's been hard not to.
I woke up feeling, on the whole, much better. The fever broke, and I'm really not very sick at all anymore, aside from a lingering cough that I suspect I'll be dragging around for quite a while, because coughs are just like that. I pad downstairs, and - here's where I make the first mistake of the day - when I'm asked "how are you feeling?" I answer truthfully.
I'm not sure how, but not an hour later, I find myself pulling sheets off beds, wiping surfaces, emptying trash cans, and generally being responsible for the setting up of three rooms for seven incoming guests. And it's not like the rest of the family didn't know I'd planned to be elsewhere this weekend, it's just that... well, they have the collective memory capacity of a swarm of gnats.
And, yet, like an idiot, I expect them to remember and respect the fact that I had plans. Plans I'd even written down. "Jutta @ Ropecon. Will not be home" on the big wall calendar that you can't miss whenever you walk by the fridge. So I keep thinking "just do this one thing. You're the only one at home, they need the extra hand, they'll make it up to you later, just do this one thing, then grab a shower and get out, you'll just get there an hour or so later."
And then I hear a car. And that would be mom, heading off to her night-shift at the hospital. Leaving the house empty except for me and dad. And seven guests who have all ordered dinner upon arrival. And here's the thing. I could have still gone. I could have taken dad's car, and left him stranded at home with no way of getting to the store or anywhere else if he needed to, and with seven guests to take care of all by himself.
No one told me "Jutta, you have to stay", not in so many words. Nope. But I stayed. Is that why it's called family obligation and not family fun-time? And I wished so hard that someone had at least verbally bothered to pull the "family obligation" string instead of just assuming that I'll be the nice one who sticks around, so I could at least have a clear someone to be angry at because dear god am I pissed off right now. It's nine o'clock in the evening. In Espoo, people will be dancing right now. Here? I'm writing a whiny entry while waiting for the stupid guests to finish their stupid meal so I can go downstairs and clean up whatever stupid mess they've left behind and smile and ask "how was the sauna?" and "what time would you like breakfast?" "Any allergies?".
Brother is at Ropecon right now. He went on Friday, with his friends, in their car. He'll be knee-deep in some tournament. Probably having to do with cards. Running on caffeine in any shape or form he can get it, and probably won't take the time to answer a single call from anyone until Sunday.
Oh, yes, and the kicker? The guests here are mostly return guests. People who have been here past summers, and come back because they enjoy it. And every single one has asked "but where are the dogs?". What happened to the dogs? And I got to tell them over and over and over, that they're dead. Yes, all three dogs. They were very nice dogs, yes. Oh, the old one, you could see that coming, couldn't you? Yes. Such a shame. I didn't think that other one, though... She was quite the character wasn't she? And even the big one? The big yellow one? What a shame!
Yes. It's a fucking shame. She's dead. She's dead and I wish every day she wasn't, and I wan't her back, and I want you to get the fuck out of my house so I could go dance with my friends and not be here serving you fish and potatoes and strawberry fucking cream for desert and making small talk about the thing that was at the centre of my whole little world for six years and who got sick, and who they couldn't cure, and who I had to tell them, don't hurt her anymore, just stick her with the needle and make her sleep so she won't hurt anymore, and who is now dead.
(I was looking for triple-A batteries last week, and I found one of her toys. Not a chewed up one, either, this squeaky thing that Sister bought last Christmas that I never took to Turku, because I forgot to pack it at the end of break. It wasn't even dirty, I don't think we played with it a single time. I sort of hate how clean it was, and I tried picturing giving it to someone else to use, and I hated that too. So it'll stay in the drawer for now, though that's not where I want it. I guess it would be stupid to put it in my bag or something, but I think I'll take it Turku after the summer. Safe keeping in some other drawer, so it won't get thrown out.
This wasn't relevant. But I figure, if I've been thinking about it this long, I might as well write it down while I'm on the topic.)
Like a real, proper, I'm-channeling-my-inner-teenager kind of bad mood.
I'm really, very much not the shouting and slamming doors kind of person. I'm a loud person, granted, but when I'm angry I get quiet. If my pride would allow me to admit it, I'd say that I'm much more prone to sulking than I am to exploding at people.
Today, though, today it's been hard not to.
I woke up feeling, on the whole, much better. The fever broke, and I'm really not very sick at all anymore, aside from a lingering cough that I suspect I'll be dragging around for quite a while, because coughs are just like that. I pad downstairs, and - here's where I make the first mistake of the day - when I'm asked "how are you feeling?" I answer truthfully.
I'm not sure how, but not an hour later, I find myself pulling sheets off beds, wiping surfaces, emptying trash cans, and generally being responsible for the setting up of three rooms for seven incoming guests. And it's not like the rest of the family didn't know I'd planned to be elsewhere this weekend, it's just that... well, they have the collective memory capacity of a swarm of gnats.
And, yet, like an idiot, I expect them to remember and respect the fact that I had plans. Plans I'd even written down. "Jutta @ Ropecon. Will not be home" on the big wall calendar that you can't miss whenever you walk by the fridge. So I keep thinking "just do this one thing. You're the only one at home, they need the extra hand, they'll make it up to you later, just do this one thing, then grab a shower and get out, you'll just get there an hour or so later."
And then I hear a car. And that would be mom, heading off to her night-shift at the hospital. Leaving the house empty except for me and dad. And seven guests who have all ordered dinner upon arrival. And here's the thing. I could have still gone. I could have taken dad's car, and left him stranded at home with no way of getting to the store or anywhere else if he needed to, and with seven guests to take care of all by himself.
No one told me "Jutta, you have to stay", not in so many words. Nope. But I stayed. Is that why it's called family obligation and not family fun-time? And I wished so hard that someone had at least verbally bothered to pull the "family obligation" string instead of just assuming that I'll be the nice one who sticks around, so I could at least have a clear someone to be angry at because dear god am I pissed off right now. It's nine o'clock in the evening. In Espoo, people will be dancing right now. Here? I'm writing a whiny entry while waiting for the stupid guests to finish their stupid meal so I can go downstairs and clean up whatever stupid mess they've left behind and smile and ask "how was the sauna?" and "what time would you like breakfast?" "Any allergies?".
Brother is at Ropecon right now. He went on Friday, with his friends, in their car. He'll be knee-deep in some tournament. Probably having to do with cards. Running on caffeine in any shape or form he can get it, and probably won't take the time to answer a single call from anyone until Sunday.
Oh, yes, and the kicker? The guests here are mostly return guests. People who have been here past summers, and come back because they enjoy it. And every single one has asked "but where are the dogs?". What happened to the dogs? And I got to tell them over and over and over, that they're dead. Yes, all three dogs. They were very nice dogs, yes. Oh, the old one, you could see that coming, couldn't you? Yes. Such a shame. I didn't think that other one, though... She was quite the character wasn't she? And even the big one? The big yellow one? What a shame!
Yes. It's a fucking shame. She's dead. She's dead and I wish every day she wasn't, and I wan't her back, and I want you to get the fuck out of my house so I could go dance with my friends and not be here serving you fish and potatoes and strawberry fucking cream for desert and making small talk about the thing that was at the centre of my whole little world for six years and who got sick, and who they couldn't cure, and who I had to tell them, don't hurt her anymore, just stick her with the needle and make her sleep so she won't hurt anymore, and who is now dead.
(I was looking for triple-A batteries last week, and I found one of her toys. Not a chewed up one, either, this squeaky thing that Sister bought last Christmas that I never took to Turku, because I forgot to pack it at the end of break. It wasn't even dirty, I don't think we played with it a single time. I sort of hate how clean it was, and I tried picturing giving it to someone else to use, and I hated that too. So it'll stay in the drawer for now, though that's not where I want it. I guess it would be stupid to put it in my bag or something, but I think I'll take it Turku after the summer. Safe keeping in some other drawer, so it won't get thrown out.
This wasn't relevant. But I figure, if I've been thinking about it this long, I might as well write it down while I'm on the topic.)
no subject
Date: 2011-08-03 05:24 pm (UTC)