unikorento | 15 days, 5 things, day 12

5 bad things about you

Piece of cake.

1. I fold under pressure/I give up easily.
Some people reach new heights when pushed. I just retreat. I drop everything, and let it curl and twist and become twice the size of what it really is because I just can't make myself approach it.

2. I tend to bite off more than I can chew.
I'm an optimist, believe it or not. Having first committed nr 2, nr 1 is soon to follow, and therein lies the key behind the fantastic streak of failures that is my current existence. This pattern applies to most aspects of my life.

3. I am a coward.
By far, my least favourite thing about myself. I'm scared of everything. Slippery bits of road, bikes, groups of children, rooms I've not been in before, men, classmates, asking a shop assistant for help, answering the phone, asking a question, touching a hot plate... You name it. Mostly I manage okay despite all of this, and there's only a few things that I actively avoid doing because it'd mean having to do something I find unpleasant. It is exhausting, though, when so much of the energy you're sure you could use for something else goes into just being anxious and stressed about random things.

4. I'm suspicious and manipulative./I think in hierarchies.
I suppose it's partially due to nr 3, and partially a thing where I-do-it-because-I-can. It helps to be able to have people do what you need them to, so you don't have to. I don't think relationships are static, and the way we act around each other depends on many factors. But I also don't think that there's any such thing as an equal relationship, not ever. Power shifts, sure, but in any given situation, it will always be gathered on one side or the other.

5. I'm not easy to reach.
I make no excuses for it. I live a little further inside my own delusions than anyone should, and I'm not willing to change my patterns even though I'm aware of what I'm doing. It's a trait that has many concrete manifestations, but the one that lands me in the most trouble is my... hmm.. disconnectedness? I'll rather just ditch a conflict than resolve it, for example, and - oh yes, if the phone rings and wakes me? I'll just hang up and sleep longer. I'll finish watching a movie, even though I know it'll make me late for an appointment. The fun thing happening now almost always takes precedence over the possibly-fun-but-not-right-in-front-of-me-thing. I also almost never get around to answering emails, or remember to continue forum discussions for more than a few posts.